so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
