Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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