are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
