he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Life is so much better after having sex.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
