I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
