My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
