You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
