Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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