Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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