Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
