I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
