there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
