yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
