I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
as a side note pls kill me
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
