I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
