She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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