Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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