What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
