Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
