have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
