The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
