yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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