and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
