Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
