my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he fucked my hip out of place.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
