I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
sarcasm needs its own font
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
