All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
