I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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