tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
