I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
