I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
