I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
