before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
