hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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