So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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