Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
