Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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