in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
