Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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