A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
and she was petting her beer can
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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