Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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