maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
