and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
