this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
