my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
