Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
