At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My life is pants optional.
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