I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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