turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
