we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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