Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
